johns right.

when did i turn into a girl?
i can't remember the exact moment.


so, things as of late:
amanda and seth are coming to visit in a few days! i can't wait to see her. in honesty though, i never want to become her in her relationship. settling because you are afraid to do anything different is unacceptable to me. being comfortable and being bored are two very different things.

after 5 years, if there isn't a serious talk about getting hitched...get a clue, you are wasting your time.

i hope that he wises up, or lets her go.
or maybe she'll get a clue.
i know its scary and hard and awful but honestly.


i feel like all the things that he ignores are all the things shes looking for.
shes got to let GO.


looking for a normal roommate is proving to be much more difficult than i first anticipated.







im not complaining any more.
my life is blissfully wonderful.


i am a lucky lucky girl.

xox

i didn't even really remember this place until it snuck up on my in quiet conversation.

i really should write more. someday i won't even remember this moment of clarity, or my overwhelming sense of happiness, or the color of the clouds today.

somewhere i should keep it all. safe. tucked away from my notebooks and photographs.
somewhere it will be timeless.
and spoken for.


and shared.
sharing is caring after all.




so.
well start with today. as if you know where i am, where i have been, where i plan on going.

(one clue, it all starts in chicago)

i worked with the kids today, Paige anna and Ben- jo- man. good kids, but man...slowest day ever. i got a few replies about a possible roommate to move into a place with in Roscoe in May. i can't wait for summer. i can't wait to have my life this summer. i can't wait to know the people i know here this summer.

alexis is sick, nasty cold that has been going around. he had practice (what a trooper) with the african jazz group, and then went to see jim baker, a favorite of his. i was supposed to go, but he always feels badly when he isn't 100% for me. and i was tired, settled in for the night when he called. he said he feels better when we are together. cute. its hard to believe him when he says things like that. i'm used to all that crap before the relationship, not now. clearly its not to try and seduce me, or make me smile. it didn't take anything other than him being him for that. but now, i feel like its almost a joke when he says sweet things to me. i don't know how to react.

im just waiting. nervous to do the wrong thing. its so new, this feeling as if he has the upper hand somehow. there are no hands in reality. in reality its just us and i can't help but feel as if for once, my feelings are stronger than his. perhaps its just because he is different than all the rest. this part should be different too. in many ways, i'm afraid he won't like what he sees after a while. or rather, i'll get old to him. we are so similar in so many ways that, i guess i'm finally feeling (or projecting) what it would be like if he was me. the way i have had relations in the past. maybe this is what they were going through. who knows. its anxious and exciting and beautiful and overwhelming.

it seems too perfect.


he wants to re-teach me guitar. i hope i don't disappoint as a student. maybe what i am really afraid of is that he sees me much differently than i am. and at some point, he'll see me the way i see me. this notion of "out of my league" has never really occurred to me until this moment in my life. but thats the best way to describe it. he, at this moment, seems perfect. perfect for me. perfect chemistry, perfect motivations, perfect desires. even the flaws are things i would never change about him.




new important people.
and i can feel it. he will be important. i'm just afraid that its going to be that he will be the first to break my heart. and i'll fall. hard.

you are an incredible person.

why?

because you make me feel amazement.








sigh.

"where do starfish come from?" asked sam.

"from the sky" answered stella. " starfish are shooting stars that fell in love with the sea."





"does the sea touch the sky?"

i may have posted this before, but it still applies.




Dead End Lyrics
Artist(Band):The Format
Review The Song (1) Print the Lyrics


Complimentary "Dead End" Ringtone

Hold on, there's a hole in my heart
everyone can see right through me
it goes all the way to the waves
where my love she tried to wash it away

see she breaks for the summers
so she can find lovers
she thinks that they are bottles of wine
they make you dinner
and they sing you to sleep
but by the morning find the bottle is empty

'cause she never gives it the time
every bottle she finds
they don't compare
to the ones she left behind
there is never a note
so she waits for me to come back home

CHOURUS

I'm looking for a dead end song
you wish that smoke
could change its color
I love it when you talk so much
and act like nothing went wrong
I'm looking for a dead end song
we sit and find flaws in everyone
I want to keep you by my side
holding off tidal waves

"mint car" is keeping us warm
she lays crossed upon the bed
we are puzzles making shapes
with our hands
I take my finger, turn into a pen

then i run my hand down your spine
you guess i wrote something profound
something like:
"our love will last 'til we die"
I say "you're good at this game"
but what I really wrote is
"how I've yet to be saved"


CHORUS x2

I'm searching for a dead end song
you wish this smoke would change it's color oh
I want to get you right by my side

I'm searching for a dead end song
We seem to find the flaws in everyone.
I want to get you right by my side.

woah.






literally. matched.
first time ever.




at least, first time like THIS.






I wish i could eat the salt off your last faded lips
We can cap the old times make playing only logical harm
We can top the old lines clay-making that nothing else will change.
But she can read, she can read, she can read, she can read, she's bad
Oh, she's bad

It's different now that I'm poor and aging, I'll never see this face again
You go stabbing yourself in the neck
It's different now that I'm poor and aging, and I'll never see this place again
And you go stabbing yourself in the neck

We can find new ways of living make playing only logical harm
And we can top the old times, clay-making that nothing else will change.
But she can read, she can read, she can read, she can read, she's bad
Oh, she's bad

[Chorus]

It's in the way that she posed,
it's in the things that she puts in my head
Her stories are boring and stuff.
She's always calling my bluff.
She puts the weights into my little heart,
And she gets in my room and she takes it apart.
She puts the weights into my little heart,
I said she puts the weights into my little heart.

She packs it away

It's in the way that she walks
Her heaven is never enough
She puts the weights in my heart
She puts, oh she puts the weights into my little heart.

Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
Oh taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing
But often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright lights turn to night
Until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
Others only read of the love, the love that I love.

See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages for words
More words then I had ever heard and I feel so alive

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
And if you could see me now,
Oh love, no
You and I, you and I
Not so little you and I anymore, mmm...
And with this silence brings a moral story
More importantly evolving is the glory of a boy

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
And if you could see me now
Well I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out of
Finally deedeedeedee
Well I'm almost finally, finally
Well I'm free, oh, I'm free

And it's okay if you have to go away
Oh just remember the telephone works both ways
And if I never ever hear them ring
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you sang

Cause you and I both loved what you and I spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see now
well I'm almost finally out of.
I'm finally out of, finally, deedeeededede
well I'm almost finally, finally, out of words.

taking a moment just imagining i'm dancing with you
i'm your pole and all you're wearing is your shoes
you got soul, you know what to do to turn me on
until i write a song about you
and you have your own engaging style
you have a knack to vivify
and you make my slacks a little tight
you may unfasten them if you like
thats if you crash and spend the night

but you don't fold and you don't fade
you've got everything you need except for me
sister you've got it all
you make the call to make my day
in your message say my name
your talk is all the talk
sister you've got it all

curl your upper lip up and let me look around
ride your tongue along your bottom lip and bite down
and bend your back and ask your hips if i can touch
well they're the perfect jumping up point
or getting closer to your butterfly

you float on by
oh kiss me with your eyelashes tonight
or eskimo your nose real close to mine
lets mood the lights and finally make it right

but you don't fold and you don't fade
you've got everything you need except for me
sister you've got it all
you make the call to make my day
in your message say my name
your talk is all the talk
sister you've got it all

all i need to see you pull your knee socks up
let me feel you upside down slide in slide out slide over here
and climb into my mouth now

butterfly well you landed on my mind
actually landed on my ear but you crawled inside
and now i see you perfectly behind closed eyes
i want to fly with you but i don't want to lie to you

but i can't recall a better day so i'm coming to shine on the occasion
a sophisticated lady you've got it all
i never folded or fade except for making my own, i had my days
let's face the facts here, it's you who's got it all

you know that fortune favors the brave
well let me get paid while i make your breakfast
the rest is up to you, who makes the call
you make the call to make my day
in your message say my name
your talk is all the talk
sister you've got it all

i can't recall a better day so i'm coming to shine on this occasion
you're an open minded lady, you've got it all

butterfly, baby you've got it all

matched.
in a new way.

You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy
Humble but you're greedy
And based on your body language and shoddy cursive I've been reading
Your style is quite selective
Though your mind is rather reckless
While I guess it just suggests that this is just what happiness is
Ya yes

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses
Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
kind of turn themselves into knifes
And don't mind my nerve
You can call it fiction but I like being submerged
in your contradictions dear
cause here we are
Here…. We…. Are…

Although you are biased, I love your advice
Your comebacks they're quick and probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy depending on how you take these words
I'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging
ya ya

But it's a beautiful mess, yes it is
It's like picking up trash in dresses
Well, it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
kind of turn themselves into blades
And kind and courteous is a life, I've heard
but it's nice to say that we played in the dirt
Cause here… here we are, here we are, here we are, here we are,
here we are, here we are, here we are, here we are, here we are
We're still here, and it's a beautiful mess, yes it is…

It's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes
Through timeless words and priceless pictures, we'll fly like birds not of this earth
Tides they turn, hearts disfigure
but that's no concern when we're wounded together
And we tore our dresses and stained our shirts but it's nice today
Oh the wait was so worth it

Here we are.